265. How to Be Awesome At Identifying A Jerk VS Someone With Unresolved Issues
Now this can get tricky because a lot of times the choices that people make now this can be tricky because there’s a very fine line here, but I think it is so important to spend time on.
The whole reason that this podcast episode is absolutely essential is because we are making decisions all day long about the people we interact with and who we lead into our inner circle… and this is a very clear issue to me… But only very recently.
Since we know that it is absolutely crucial for us to protect our happy headspace and really try to give our energy to things that drive us forward and are aligned with our main life priorities. So having people in our lives that make us feel shitty about ourselves, or are constantly running us down or being inconsiderate and hurting our feelings… is not part of the program.
This is one of those things that I’ve only just fully seen super clearly within the last few weeks.
And I think it’s so crazy important because if you really take the time to think of it this way when you’re in different situation… you will absolutely make the best decisions when interacting with them and also how much interaction you should actually have with them.
So let’s define our terms… What do we consider a jerk and what do we consider someone who hasn’t hasn’t worked through their own issues yet.
JERK
To me, a jerk is someone who puts themselves first- so they are a good friend when it works for them… Often times the conversation is 90% about them and 10% about you… Now not all of these examples will of course apply to every jerk… I’m just giving you examples… Jerks sometimes say mean things just to be mean… They don’t take accountability for their actions.
Often times if you look at how they treat other people… Not just you… It’s easier to actually see who they are. I think it’s also very important to believe people when they show you who they are, I really am an eternal optimist, but that can be to a disadvantage because sometimes I’ll keep thinking… This person will see this new change… When the reality is… If someone shows you who they are over and over again… Responsibility is on you now not them… They showing you who they are and now it’s your job to recognize it and protect yourself appropriately.
Examples:
Mind manipulates you - guilt trips etc.
Lack of compassion or empathy - often critical, always your fault, nit picks, causes fights
No accountability - blames you for all
Gaslighting - deny facts, rewrite history and even make you sought your own thoughts
Exportation - financial or emotional - use your resources for their own gain - without much in return
Control- often seen control of every part of the relationship
Friends are disposable - can abruptly end a friendship or relationship without any empathy.
SOMEONE WITH ISSUES
For a person who has issues they haven’t resolved yet… The behavior can be similar, but if you look closely, there’s usually a very clear difference.
Examples:
Projection - put their own negative emotions on you. Their insecurities or unresolved issue.
Mood swings- they can be angry or irritable with you without clear reasons
Overacting- they can have a big reaction to a minor issue - because they have a heightened emotional sensitivity
Blame shifting - its all your fault
Inconsistency - change their mind often, not sure what version of them you are going to get
Jealousy and envy- they feel inadequate so they can be competitive and not happy for your wins
Neediness- they might overly depend on you - which can be emotionally draining
Talk behind your back - because they feel insecure
HOW TO APPROACH BOTH- your blueprint
Jerk- distance- don’t engage in the argument
Often not worth the time to explain how they hurt you or disregarded your feelings.
Someone with issues- depends on how close you are to them. Give them grace.
Or tell them- I know this is not the person that you are.
Give them time and space.
Be honest about how their actions affected you.
Offer support and a safe space
Keep boundaries - so their negative stuff doesn’t impact you
Know when you have to walk away - at least for now
It’s so important to know the difference and to proceed differently with both. You will feel so much freedom and spend so much more time in your happy headspace!